Actually... Giving Birth Did Scare Me

When I was pregnant I didn't think too much about how the end result would go from A (the womb) to B (my arms) until later into the pregnancy and I was asked about my birth plan and pain relief. I don't know what I looked like when my midwife asked me these questions but I did feel like all the colour from my face dropped and I either put on way too much pale make-up on my face or I was actually a ghost. Sadly it was neither because I don't own much make-up to fail that badly and if I was a ghost I wasn't very good because I couldn't walk through walls or float around.

I had heard all sorts of stories from other parents, my own mother being an example of it going tits up. She did have pain relief known as Pethidine and if you don't know already the downside of this type of pain relief is that it can make you feel sleepy. In her case she did become very sleepy, so for me Pethidine was a bit of a no-way-not-in-a-million-years option in my books. I mean I feel like ass when I take Night Nurse I'll probably be just as bad with Pethidine. I should point out 26 years ago Epidural was considered very high risk so wasn't given out as often as it is today.

Speaking of which lets talk about Epidural. I considered this one, however I did say that I have a massive fear of needles and with my blood type meaning I required injections and blood tests more than usual this was underlined and noted in my green booklet several times. I mean when I had to have a blood test done as a teenager I had five nurses try and hold me down so that gives you a sort of idea on how bad I can be all thanks to a fear of something so silly. I knew this but I was so scared of the pain of giving birth that I told her that if it really was all that bad and I was screaming for it then by all means slap the damn thing into my back. Thinking about how the Epidural is put in even right now is making my legs turn to jelly. Actually I'm going to move off the subject before I turn into a ghost again.

The next choice I was given was gas and air. This can make you feel a bit sickly and light headed but seemed probably the best choice so I put my thumbs up for this to be nearby at all costs, I've spent the last 9 months feeling sickly and light headed plus the added bonus of my feet starting to swell up so surely breathing into a mask couldn't be all that much different except I'm now wearing a very creepy fashion accessory over my mouth and nose.

The day of my birth flew by and I was beginning to think about how this baby was coming out of me. I was due to meet my midwife to help "get things moving" which is code for "I'm going to stick my fingers up your vagina" although there's probably some more science related stuff behind it too but I cannot remember it was over 2 years ago. I was thankful that this wasn't require, however when the contractions really started to get bad that was when I wondered if the fashionable mask was now needed. Lucky for me every room had one of these beauties by the beds and so I used it for a total of 1 minute before I gave up and felt like I was on the moon with no gravity holding me down.

I suddenly felt like sitting in some warm water. I have no idea why I felt like this as the room was so bloody hot and the fan was only cooling a small area of the room so the midwife helped me get to one of their special baths, filled it with water that was of the right temperature and told me where everything was in case I had any issues as perhaps my screams of bloody murder may not be loud enough so an alarm cord was placed by the bath. Actually the water did help me and I felt relaxed... for about 2 minutes when the pain got worse and now I just felt like a wet blob trapped in a green tub (Mom if you are reading this: do you remember the green vomit colour bath set we had once? That colour only the sink didn't match for some reason maybe it was out of stock in Pretty In Puke) so out I came and back to my room... I don't remember how I got back to our room at all but I must have got there somehow as that was the room I gave birth in.

In the end I gave birth with zero pain relief and the only assistance I had was a nurse who popped her head between my legs then back up to say "we need to make a cut, are you okay with this?" which I recall made me panic for what felt like forever but really was for a second or two and I just told her if it gets the baby out then do it. Oh my god that felt so weird when she made the cut, actually no I won't talk about that too much because once again I feel myself going back into ghost mode, sorry I'm terrible and to think I somehow gave birth. I think the tiny cut scared me less than her coming back up to say "We need to do a C-Section" or "IT'S GONNA BLOW!" y'know?

I still own that outfit even though the hat was massive on him

Well in the end after they stuck a plunger on my son's head I was handed my baby, shown how to put a nappy on, how to put baby clothes on (sounds daft but he looked like he'd break the moment we touched him) and the I was given a free ride on a wheelchair upstairs to the home for new mothers.